Okay brace yourself this could be a long one. Blah, ugh, ahh are just a few of the words I can use to describe the unsatisfaction I am feeling with myself. I'm a 22 year old girl who is sick of who she is and what she's doing. I absolutely dispise my mind, it takes such control of my life and makes me feel so inadequate, helpless, trapped, and scared. I am going through so much right now mentally and I'm just not sure how much more I can take. Right now the downs are certainly out weighing the ups. I just need to talk to someone who can really relate to me and how I feel. I'm so sick of being overweight, unattractive, and boring. I want to be different yet I do nothing to change, I just feel like my goal is so far away it's not even worth trying to obtain. I want to lose 43 pounds yet I know it will take so long and inorder to stay motivated I need to see fast results which aren't realisitic with this type of goal. I want to be the beautiful girl in the room, the skinny girl in the room, the funny girl in the room, the successful girl in the room, the girl who gets free drinks.
However, at the same time I feel so naive for falling for the shallow guidelines the media has placed in front of me. I know my worth shouldn't be measure by the size of my breast, the measurement of my hips, or the size of my jeans. But right now I feel it is and really really want to change it. I want people to see me who haven't seen me in a while and say "Wow, you look good, you've lost a lot of weight." Is that too much to ask? I think not all I have to do is put my mind too it.
Problem number two: letting my mind control me. I have great difficulty going places I've never been before, or places I'm not comfortable in. I hate clinic at school, meetings at school, classes at school, restaurants, movies, buses, walks, gyms, etc... I'm terrified of being asked a question I don't know the anwser to, of saying the wrong thing, of people laughing at me, of doing something incorrecty, of people not liking me, of teachers yelling at me, of people thinking I'm lying, of people making fun of me, of speaking in front of people I don't know or even people I do know. I shake when I'm nervous, I sweat like crazy whenever in publi, school, or even with friends...which truly is embarrassing. I don't know what is going on with me all I know is I'm gaining weight, losing me self-esteem, and questioning my decision of school all the time.
In a perfect world I'd be a 100 pound married speech pathologist running my own successful practice...maybe some day.

43 pounds to go....wish me luck