Spring break has come and gone. I didn't get much accomplished, however I did get to go home for a few days. It was actually nice having nothing to do, being able to sleep in everyday, and eating all day ( well okay maybe this wasn't such a good thing). Over the break I started doing yoga so I am hoping this is something I can work into my everyday routine. I've been doing absolutely rediculous with my eating/exercising as I've already mentionned. This really needs to change, I'm just really struggling trying to figure out how. I mean it's so easy to pop the chocolate in my mouth, yet so hard to snack on baby carrots, it's soo easy to watch that second episode of the Simpson's yet so difficult to get off my lazy butt and get on my eliptical....well enough complaining I am the only one who can change what I do/eat and what I don't. Life wasn't meant to be easy. Yes I can make excuse after excuse...but eventually I'm going to have to face the consequences of my actions and I don't want that day to come. I just feel so defeated before I even begin, I know it's going to be a long road ahead and that scares me...but no time like the present.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Well I did it once today...oh well better luck tomorrow I guess.

Once again this thing with my stomach has got in the way. Tonight my bf's mom invited me out to supper but I couldn't go because of the pain, will this ever go away? No! I need help but don't know where to go my doctor isn't helpful at all so now where do I turn. I feel like a freak and I know people think I am. Everyone who finds out must think I'm crazy, I know people must believe I can control it, but I honestly can't. I'm not making it up and I can not make it go away on my own, if I could I would. I am sick of living like this and would do anything to make it go away, to be able to live a normal life again would be soo soo nice, but right now it seems an unobtainable option. I can't beleive something as simple as a trip to the grocery store is becoming such a disaster for me. I'm not sure how much more of this my stomach can take. It just seems like it is getting worse as opposed to better and I don't know how far it can possibly go, I'm starting to think I am turning into a shut in. I'm so scared....someone, anyone help me. Please help me!!!

Wow! It has been a long week but is finally coming to a stop. I just completed my make-up probing competency and passed..hooray!!! Now this afternoon i have to complete posterior scalers...should be interesting, I just hope to pass, well a 4 would be nice. Then tomorrow i get to finish my week with radiology lab... oh joy oh bliss. But the good news is I have next week off, spring break has arrived. This means I can go home home for a few days to see family, I'm particularly excited about going to my childhood home with move and packing up the last of our things before they sell/rent it. I'm alos looking forward to seeing my little man, Ty. Once I'm back in the city I hope to spend some time resting and having fun with my Baby.
Well not much else to say and my apologies, to no one because no one reads this, for the boring read I just have nothing to do so I thought I'd type to pass the time....

Metro Transit..where should I begin. I don't know what my favorite part of public transportation would be...waiting outside in minus 20 weather to get on a crowded bus, walking to the bus stop only to see the bus you need zoom by, getting on a bus for a 20 minute ride and being crammed in between to large men, or having to stand for the majority of my ride. What's you favorite part?

Okay brace yourself this could be a long one. Blah, ugh, ahh are just a few of the words I can use to describe the unsatisfaction I am feeling with myself. I'm a 22 year old girl who is sick of who she is and what she's doing. I absolutely dispise my mind, it takes such control of my life and makes me feel so inadequate, helpless, trapped, and scared. I am going through so much right now mentally and I'm just not sure how much more I can take. Right now the downs are certainly out weighing the ups. I just need to talk to someone who can really relate to me and how I feel. I'm so sick of being overweight, unattractive, and boring. I want to be different yet I do nothing to change, I just feel like my goal is so far away it's not even worth trying to obtain. I want to lose 43 pounds yet I know it will take so long and inorder to stay motivated I need to see fast results which aren't realisitic with this type of goal. I want to be the beautiful girl in the room, the skinny girl in the room, the funny girl in the room, the successful girl in the room, the girl who gets free drinks.
However, at the same time I feel so naive for falling for the shallow guidelines the media has placed in front of me. I know my worth shouldn't be measure by the size of my breast, the measurement of my hips, or the size of my jeans. But right now I feel it is and really really want to change it. I want people to see me who haven't seen me in a while and say "Wow, you look good, you've lost a lot of weight." Is that too much to ask? I think not all I have to do is put my mind too it.
Problem number two: letting my mind control me. I have great difficulty going places I've never been before, or places I'm not comfortable in. I hate clinic at school, meetings at school, classes at school, restaurants, movies, buses, walks, gyms, etc... I'm terrified of being asked a question I don't know the anwser to, of saying the wrong thing, of people laughing at me, of doing something incorrecty, of people not liking me, of teachers yelling at me, of people thinking I'm lying, of people making fun of me, of speaking in front of people I don't know or even people I do know. I shake when I'm nervous, I sweat like crazy whenever in publi, school, or even with friends...which truly is embarrassing. I don't know what is going on with me all I know is I'm gaining weight, losing me self-esteem, and questioning my decision of school all the time.
In a perfect world I'd be a 100 pound married speech pathologist running my own successful practice...maybe some day.

43 pounds to go....wish me luck